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The Zonix Guide to Tuning Cars

This entry was posted by on Saturday, 17 April, 2010 at

Okay, as we all know, a cool car really rocks. But they’re so damn expensive, and the only thing you can afford is a second hand Fiat Panda, right? But the time of humiliation is over. From now on you never have to feel ashamed of yourself when you’re driving your puny little shitty car. How? Check out these hints, and use the advise to turn your rusty old piece of crap into some butt-kicking, rubber-burning roadhugging street hog.

The mystery around the four exhausts

Okay, so looking at some high quality car, let’s say a Corvette or Ferrari, what is the main difference you notice with your own car? Right. The exhausts. Somehow good and fast cars have four exhausts. Take the Ferrari F40 for example, or the Maclaren F1, same story. Don’t ask me why they have four exhausts, but it must add up to the overall performance of the vehicle, ‘cuz else they wouldn’t do it, right?

Okay so here’s a Handy-Dandy Do-It-Yourself Four-Exhausts System, HDDIYFE.

You need:

  • Your old rusty vehicle
  • A saw, type doesn’t really matter, but preferably no chainsaw.
  • A vacuum cleaner pipe, preferable chromed for expensive looks.
  • A welding machine, or if you don’t have one duct tape will do.

Step 1: Use the saw to cut the vacuum cleaner pipe into four pieces of equal size. Polish them well, because a real race monster is shiny like a mirror (to blind the competition and any cops with radarguns).

Step 2: Put one piece around your old exhaust pipe, if you can find it. It might have fallen off because of all the rust on your car. Use your welding machine to make the piece of pipe stay there. If you don’t have a welding machine you can always use the handyman’s secret weapon, duct tape.

Step 3: Add the next three pipes, so that you get two on each side. From the rear it must look something like this: 00 – 00, just like the cool Porsche 911.

Note: make sure your welding is sufficient or that you use enough tape, because you wouldn’t want your sports car to fall apart while showing off to hot chicks, now would you?

The groovy motor noise

Okay, so you’re driving your quadruple-piped race monster and still nobody looks at you. Why? Well, it might be the sound of your car! Ever noticed how cool and growling sports cars sound? Of course you could buy a new engine, a new transmission and a bunch of all the other things, but this is just a waste of money. It’s easier (and cheaper too) to do it my way.

You need:

  • Your old rusty vehicle
  • A drilling machine, brand doesn’t matter but preferably DeWalt for ultimate coolness.
  • A drill size 1 to 2.5mm (bigger for better performance)

Step 1: Locate the muffler under your car. You might have to work yourself through several inches of mud, rust, dead gophers and duct tape, but believe me, it’s somewhere under there. What it looks like? Just like all the other things on the bottom of the car ofcourse! It’s some big thing and on my car it says “Muffle Inc. Xp D76” on it. Go figure for yourself. If you can’t find it, ask the neighbour’s kid to crawl under your car while you rev the engine, and ask him to find which part becomes quite hot.

Step 2: Ground yourself and the vehicle. This is not necessary, but it always works when impressing people. Also, wear protective gear of any kind. A high visibility jacket is not really necessary.

Step 3: Load the drill in your drilling machine making dramatic gestures.

Step 4: Drill 10 to 150 holes in your muffler (more for better noise)

Step 5: Take it for a testdrive.

You’ll notice a slight increase in performance and a bunch of good sound! Now people just can’t stop looking in your direction when you’re driving down the street!

Weight Reduction
Remove dead bodies from trunk
Remove dead mice from gastank
Remove junk from floor (use a vacuumcleaner)
Remove junk from seats
Remove excess passengers
Remove greasy junk from engine compartment.

More Power
Remove junk from under gas pedal
Drive down-hill
Replace petrol-engine by a jet-engine
Change gearbox oil
Change engine oil

Aerodynamics
Close windows
Close roof (if any)
Assume aerodynamic pose
Apply wax to car body
Drive down-wind
Draft behind trucks

Better looks
Remove silly wings
Wash your vehicle
apply easy-on-the-eyes female

Misc
Make sure wheels can move freely (not obstructed by breakpads which do not fully retract)
Install grappling hook or – if your budget so permits – a tractorbeam

Next week’s issue:

The stereo system What? A stereo system? Who needs that nowadays! Really cool people have at least eight speakers in their vehicle!

The driving skills

Taking turns like the pro racers do, jumping over obstacles and parking in a fashionable way – find out how next week!

The stereo system

What? A stereo system? Who needs that nowadays! Really cool people have at least eight speakers in their vehicle! – find out more next week!

One Response to “The Zonix Guide to Tuning Cars”

  1. Thanks Skidder for the share. Great easy to follow article with some genuinely useful information – That’s why I’ve bookmarked this site. I’ll be sure to visit again soon. Thanks Larry


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