The Zonix Guide to Being Cool

This entry was posted by on Saturday, 17 April, 2010 at

Okay, as we all know, you won’t get very many friends if you’re not cool. And since there are not very many naturaly cool people, you need to work on being cool, learning the cool ways, sayings and doings.

Main requirements for being cool

(if you master these you’re on your way to become cool, but you’re not there yet!)

Oh, Behave! -behaving the cool way

Probably one of the most important behavioural adjustments is to change the way you react. For example, if there is an explosion nearby, don’t start panicing. In stead of running around and screaming your lungs empty, ask the audience (people observing the explosion) if they liked your fireworks. Now that’s being cool.
Here’s another one. Just imagine you’re sitting in the theater. You didn’t really want to go to that movie about some ship sinking, you’re so cool you just found the ticket. Okay, so you’re sitting in the theater and you don’t like the movie playing. There are a couple of things you can do. You can just pretend you like the movie, and watch it ’till the end and hope there’s some action in it. You can also try to catch up some sleep, which I don’t recommend if you snore. You might wake up discovering that some guy behind you dumped his coke on you. So, then, what is the cool way to get out of this situation? All the lights are shut off, the doors won’t open until the intermission. What do you do? Somehow you need to get into the other theaterroom next to this one, because they play “Shotgun Honey” in there, which has guns and boobs galore. The cool way is to stand up on you seat, take your coat (if you left it in the lobey, just take your neighbours) and use the coat as a Batman cape. Now shout ‘dadadadadadada Batman!!!!’ Now you’ll notice two or three muscular men walking your way, those are
called ‘bouncers’. They help people escape from boring movies. They’ll help you to get on the street in no time. Now you’re outside, invert your pants and shirt or sweater, comb your hair the other way and go in again. Now you could go into the other theater where they play ‘Shotgun Honey’, but ofcourse they would make you pay then. And paying is not cool. And your goal is to be cool.
So you walk towards the cash tender and say that one of the neon lights on the front of the building isn’t working. The cash tender will go outside to check, and in the meanwhile you can slip into ‘Shotgun Honey’ and enjoy some fighting-movie-action.

Another behavioural adaptation you have to go through is accepting everything people say about you, and after that, when they don’t watch, make them pay. You can do this with the stilleto every cool person has with at all time. But light poles, pieces of rock or nerve gas also work.

Of course you want people to notice that you’re cool. You can do this by wearing special clothing, about which we’ll talk later, and, maybe just as important, doing cool things. Cool things include eating raw chicken, staring at nice members of the oposite sex on the beach trough binoculars, eating your TeenBurger with extra hot Chinese ‘Mouthburner’ sauce and playing 8-tracks.

Talking ’bout stuff…

But your deeds aren’t all. You have to talk cool too. How to do this? For most people this is the hardest part, because they just can’t pronounce the ‘g’ and ‘r’ the Dutch way. Make your R’s roll, to show that you’re able to immitate a speedboat at full throttle. This comes in handy when you take your love out on a fishing trip and you want to impress her/him with your boat.
You also need to incorporate a load of ‘eh’ and ‘like’ and ‘stuff’ in your talking. Avoid saying meaningless words like ‘school’, ‘teacher’, ‘law’ and ‘Mc Donalds’.

Almost as important as the way you talk is the stuff you talk about. If you want to annoy people, the excellent way to do so is talking about past experiences with fishing. If you want people to believe the stuff you say, talk in a low, even balanced voice and don’t lose the pitch. Another thing is, don’t laugh about your own stupid jokes. Just laughing about the good ones is enough, you don’t want to be laughing all day, do you?

Being cool also means that you have to be bloody serious every once in a while. Talk about how they ran over your cat, how they shot SAM-rockets at your bird or how they dumped salt on you snail. Talking about your family can be quite effective sometimes too.

Whatever you’re talking ’bout, avoid talking about talkshows and sitcoms at all time. If you talk about them people might get the impression that you actually watch that crap and they might think you’re a dork. Another item you’ve got to avoid is the weather. As you are cool, you don’t spend to much time looking at other objects than your pc monitor, your speedometer in your car or goodlooking members of the other sex. So if you talk about the weather you indicate that you looked at the sky or that you watched the news. And since you don’t want to be a yob, you don’t do this kind of stuff.

Talk about music instead, about how you like the new TechnoRave IV cd and how you hate the new SpicyGirls cd. This is a very good way to let people know that you’re cool. Music tells a lot about personality. To have a strong personality, only listen to strong, loud music with loads of personality. If people ask you what you think of the Prodigy, say ‘it sounds best in my bedroom’. People may start wondering about what kind of bedroom you have, and you may end up having a date with some nice example of the other sex. Of course, here you gotta watch out for gay-people, mostly recognizable by
asking them if they like ‘n Sync and Backstreet Boys. But be careful with this question on girls. In that case, ask them if they like Micheal Jackson.
If they say no, there’s a big chance the girl isn’t gay.

Being a musician makes you a cool person too, only you have to watch the style of music you produce. Basicly everything ranging from Classic to Hard Rock to TechnoRave is well in range of being cool. When you play country, gangsta’ rap and elevator music you’re far away from cool. If you’re a member of one of those so-called ‘gay-bands’ like Take That used to be, you almost have no reason to even learn the meaning of ‘cool’.

Another indicator of coolness is the type of instrument you use. Playing a guitar or drums indicates that you’re a very active person. Playing piano or harp indicates that you’re a very sensitive person. If you play harmonica you are lonely. If you play a copper blowing instrument this indicates that you’re boombastic, and maybe practicing for a role in ‘three little pigs’. If you compose music for others to play, you may be the coolest of the coolest, you’re sensitive, active, and like to be in control

Cool and computers

Yes, if you have no computer, or basic computer knowledge you’re not cool. You gotta know the basics of HTML, XML, Java, C++ and C. Qbasic and PHP are optional. But you’ve got to watchout that you don’t talk to much about computergames that involve 3D shooting, as people might think you’re violent. Of course being cool means being violent every now and then, but shooting people by the hundreds and enjoying it is different.

The danger of people thinking you’re a nerd is always present, but people know a nerd when they see one, and as long as you stay away from dark, wide rimmed glasses and shiny low heeled leather shoes everything is okay. Wearing glasses is well withing the range of being cool, as long as they’re not thick or pink. Also stay away from glasses with smurf decoration on it, for people might associate you with the glasses-wearing smurf.

Next to food and nice goodlooking members of the other sex Megaherzes are very important the life of a cool person. Decibels might also be added to this list.


All cool people have at least five ways of transport. This might be walking, skating, skiing, snowboarding, biking, or any kind of motorized vehicle such as Harleys and Chevys. Airlifts are also allowed, either by helicopter, airplane or baloon. But one way of transport only mastered by real cool people is an airlift by a UFO, and teleportation. This requires years of practice and good connections with extra terrestrial intelligence.

The type of bike you ride doesn’t matter, as long as it doesn’t say ‘Nike’ on it or any sign that indicates the bike is made in Asia. If you have any asian parts in your bike, replace them ASAP with parts made out of German quality steel. Of course you can go for the American carbon kevlar and titanium parts made by Cannondale, but that’s not recommended for low budget people. (that’s most of us…)

You’ve got to be careful around cars. Certain cars have certain reputations:
-A 1957 Cadillac Coupe de Ville indicates that you’re a big fan of Elvis, and since Elvis was cool, this is a very good pick.

-Any car under 750kg or 100hp indicates that you like to take it easy, and therefor are not classified as cool.

-Pickup truck, indicates you like to take loads of equipment with you, and that’s cool, because you can take a load of stereo equipment with you.

-Dually Pickup truck, you like to move huge loads of heavy equipment, and the extra torque and horsepowers help you outrunning the cops in rough terrain. you’re cool, as long as it’s either a GMC or Chevrolet.

-Dusty and Rusty old pickup truck and playing country music very loud: sorry, this is not classified as cool. Without the country music it’s okay.

-Any kind of convertible two seater: you’d rather stay single, since you’ve got no backseat.

-Any kind of closed two seater: same as above, only you stay dry when it’s raining.

-Any kind of Asian car: watch out around these. they’re not made for our climate, since in Asia they don’t have snow on the roads, so they don’t need to make their cars salt-proof.

-If you drive a Hummer you’re probably the coolest person in the world. The powerfull engine and die-hard transmision plough you through any known substance. Or over it. The oversized tires help you getting over other cars that are in your way, and the rough profile gives some extra grip in the turns. Since Hummers are so big there’s enough room to mount extra speakers and amps, and if you have the extended version you can have a party in the back. Just a party for two or invite all you friends, that for you to decide.

Oh ya, one last tip: always wear sunglasses when driving your vehicle, so that the cops and other people on the road don’t recognise you. For extra coolness, add two diesel train horns and play some EuroRave at full blast.

Food & the relation of food to being cool

This relation is very clear. Eat everything. Eat much of everything. Since you’re cool you have a very active life and burn a lot of energy. If you’re not cool you might get overweighted. If you’re over 120 kg (267 lb) you’re considered ‘FAT’ and thus not cool. If you’re anywhere under 65 kg and you think you’re fat think again. If you still don’t get it, get help.

Cool people eat everything, withing certain limits ofcourse. Metal, plastics and concrete aren’t part of a cool person’s diet.


Everybody thinks you’re cool if you drink loads of booze. Well, it simply doesn’t work that way. Drinks high in cafeine are the coolguy’s drink. Drinks like Coke and Red Bull are considerd the best, but coffee also scores high. Of course cool people drink booze. But not to much. Cool people know their limits, don’t jump off tall buildings, watch sitcoms or get pissed.

If you want to make a good impression on someone in a bar, order a Smirnof-Orange-Coke in the ratio 3:2:5 and ask for a salt herring to go with it. And always have your sunglasses available just in case the bar tender put Pepsi in it in stead of Coke, slowly proceed to the washrooms without attracting to much attention and puke there.

Throwing up in a bar lowers your reputation.

The kind of bar is also very important in determining if you’re cool. If it says something like Tj’s bar, be sure you know Tj before you go in. If the bar is called something that has any kind of relation to religion, like ‘the angel’ you’d better pass that one. You’d better go for a bar that’s called after the place, like ‘the Big Bowden Bar’ or ‘Inn-isfail-Inn’.
But still, the best bars are the ones called after their owners, or their owners dogs or wives. These bars are quite similar to the first ones we talked about, but these people use their full name, like “Jake’s bar”, “Beethoven’s rest area” or “Daisy’s Inn” Watch out for bars called “mike’s bar”. You’ve got to use extreme caution with those. First make sure mike is cool, then go in.

Are you cool enough?

After you’ve mastered all the things above you’re close to cool. Don’t forget to wash your hair every now and then, because cool people don’t stink. If you think you’re ready for the qualifying test to go on to the next stage of coolness, send a self addressed envelope with a $459,75 cheque to: InterGalactic Institute of Coolness (IGIC)
4725-4731 54 Drive 90th floor 4R2-75X CQ Geidi Prime, Celeda System

*note: shipping times vary anywhere from 3 months to 4 years, depending on
duty rosters.

If you’re not totally happy with our services, don’t worry. With our 30 days no-good-money-back warranty we’re sure to solve the problem. Just send a letter to the address above.

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