The Turn of the Millennium – Armageddon?

This entry was posted by on Saturday, 17 April, 2010 at

As we all know, we’re heading towards the end of the 1900’s. In less than half a year we will enter a new century. In fact, we will enter a whole new millennium. And, well, let’s face it, something like that doesn’t happen to often in our lives, does it? So that’s why I’ve spent some time thinking of how to make this unique experience even more awesome. And of course, you want to take advantage of the ‘Millennium’ as much as possible. Heck who doesn’t.

So, before we can use it in our advantage, we have to understand exactly what the ‘Millennium’ is.
To some, it’s just a number, that changes.
To others, it is the beginning of a whole new era. I’ve even heard people talking about the ‘Return of Christ’. But first things first.

Whenever there is something new, something really weird, people are always a little bit afraid of it, or at least try to keep their distance. It was like that with the first car, and so it will be with the Millennium. So there’s something magical about this Millennium-thing, people think something really cool is going to happen. And you can use this. How? I’ll explain later.

Somehow, the magical year 2000, always called ‘the future’, seemed to be something that was years away. In the year 2000 we would all live in huge skyscrapers and drive flying cars, so they thought in the 60’s. And now you read of the return of Christ in the papers. The ‘End of Days’ scenario has been broadcasts in movies, tv shows, radio and even on the internet you can’t avoid it. The end is nigh. Somehow, you just have to be able to utilise all of this mass hysteria to your own advantage.

More and more people are talking about what they’re going to do spend the turn of the Millennium. Today I received an email from Chris, a friend of mine in Canada, asking me how I’m spending the Millennium. Well, maybe I should say, how I’m going to use the Millennium.

So, for example, it’s December 31st, your parents are planning to make a huge party and they have invited all of your boring uncles and aunts and are talking about you when you were young. So what do you do to escape? Well, you’ll probably try to get out as fast as possible. Go outside, hanging around with your friends. As I said before, you should take advantage of the stuff that is going to happen at midnight, that last day of this Millennium. We’ve all read about it, the Millenium Bug. Well, believe me, every piece of electronic equipment is going insane. The phone won’t work, the power will be down, and worst of all, there will be no TV. Yeah sure the government tells us there’s nothing to worry about, but I got it all figured out. Nothing will work any more, the stores won’t be open so you better stack up on food.

So there will be chaos. Maximum Chaos, revered to as the ‘end of time’ by some institutions. You better hurry up and be fast, because once the mayhem starts it’s survival of the fittest. So phone your friends and go wreak some havoc. Loot and burn a grocery store. What does it matter, we’ll all die anyway! Of course you know this is not true, in fact, nothing will happen. But it’s always nice to keep up the fantasy of ‘Armageddon’. Why? I’ll tell you: you can make nice money!

Last week I founded a church. A church? you may ask. Right, a Church. We all know churches get a nice set of benefits such as tax deduction and the like. I’ll recruit ‘Followers’, who, in turn, can recruit followers in a multi-level marketing kind of way. I will tell them there are only 100,000 places in heaven, and these go to those with the strongest belief. And the strength of this belief can be measured by the number of followers in your downline. Neat scheme eh?

Now here’s the nice thing, theys followers all have to pay a rather hefty sum to get in, but our of this 10% goes to the guy who recruited them. And 10% of the money everybody makes goes up one level. And guess who is at the top level, right: me.

So in order to avoid having tens of thousands of angry followers who are very disappointed when January 1st comes ’round and no armageddon has occured, I make sure this prophecy is fullfilled. I don’t yet know how, but some collective suicide (for those in levels 2 and down of course…) may do the trick.

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