CoolTalkin’ Barbie

This entry was posted by on Saturday, 10 October, 1998 at

Parental advisory: explicit lyrics, adult situations, foul language, real time violence, Parental discretion advised. Rated 16 and up.

I woke up, turned the radio on to hear some news and looked out of the window. Yep, another grey day. I could just see it happen. On the radio there was this stupid commercial about some new sort of doll.
“She really talks!” shouted an syntheticaly oversampled girlsvoice.
“Each sold separately, batteries sold seperately” said a dull male voice. “From Irwin”, was the response of a women that seemed to have just inhaled some helium. Yes, I thought, this is going to be another GREAT day… I kicked the radio and it died. I got up and the whole room started turning around me. I forgot.
Don’t get up to fast. But it was already to late, gravity already got a hold of me and pulled me towards the center of the force, which is in the middle of the earth. So I fell down towards the floor.

In my fall I must have accidentally hit the radio, because it was turned on when I woke up.
“She really talks!” again that synthetic voice.
“Each sold separately”.
I opened my eyes and looked at the radio, surprised to see it’s turned on. “From Irwin!”.
I got up, feeling more hyper than ever. Less than a minute later I was all
dressed standing in the kitchen. Everybody else was still asleep for some reason. I robbed the fridge for some food and turned on the TV. I sat down
in front of the TV, while eating my salmon-leftovers breakfast. Somehow, I just felt so hyper!

Bang, bang! and the bad guy shot a whole bunch of good guys. Kaboom! one of the good guys tossed a handgranade at the badguy. Al that was left was a heap of smoking ashes. To be continued. Okay, I thought. Guess I’ll never see how it ends. Guess they’ll all live happily ever after. I put a piece of fish in my mouth, thinking about the ketchup. The ketchup, which I left in the fridge. I was just having all my attention focussed on my breakfast as I heard the newest commercial for “cool talkin’ barbie”. I looked at the
screen and saw a barbie doll talking to a kid in the commercial.
The kid said: “Wow! she really talks!” in a very syntheticaly enhanced voice. After that some digitaly retouched hand put in another cool talkin’ barbie and they started talking together.
“Hi, how are you?” and “I am fine, how are you?”
Wow! this is great, I thought! Now I know what I’ve been looking for since I got up this morning!
“Available now at all Wasting’s toy stores!”
Okay, now I knew where to go. So I ran into my room, grabbed my wallet, checked the amount of money. $38.43….. hmmm… should be enough. So I ran outside, put my coat on while running and jumped on my bike. Somewhere in the distance I heard a thunder. That won’t bother me, I thought, I’ll be back long before that storm’s even close!

So I went to the Wasting’s sales department in town. At least, that’s what I was trying to do. Apparently there was something going on in town, because I just couldn’t get through. But hey, what the heck, why bother man! I took a shortcut, and after a few minutes I was at the backdoor of Wasting’s. I dropped my bike against a dumpster and ran towards an emergency exit. Of course it was locked, as a sign of how safe the building is. But doors don’t
stop me. So I took a deep breath, exhaled slowly and looked around. Nobody. Okay, this was my chance! I reached in my pocket, took some stuff out, including some gum. I put the gum in my mouth, started chewing it. After a while I took the gum out, mixed it with some powder I found in my mom’s cupboard. I put it back in my mouth and chewed fiercely for another while. I sticked the huge piece of gum, now the size of a fair apple, to the emergency exit and pushed it until in was nice and didn’t fall off any more. I took a paperclip out of my pocket, attached a two-meter long piece of copperwire to it and sticked it in the piece of gum.
This is gonna be cool, I thought.
I took cover behind the dumpster and searched in my pockets for an electronic lighter. The spark should be strong enough to do the trick. I sparked the lighter and was surprised by the huge explosion and the flash. I quickly gathered all my stuff and walked towards the remains of the emergency exit. Okay then! I thought. Let’s kick some butt! And I stepped into the building.

Inside there was a huge number of people, all lined up for the counter. I strode towards the counter, pushing away all the excess people and other
interfering objects and finally made it to the front of the row without any major problems. I turned around and saw that most people were lying down on the floor, covering their heads.
Oh no, I thought, there must be a robbery! I gotta hurry! the robber might
take all cool talkin’ barbies! So I walked towards the salesperson and demanded a cool talkin’ barbie.
‘sorry, sir, but due to the huge demand the price for the cool talkin’ barbie went up 400% and costs $155.36 in stead of $38.76′ the man said.
“Hey, man, look, you’re wrong!” I said. This was starting to piss me off. First all this trouble getting into the shop, and then this bad service, and then they want me to pay 32 cents to much! I told the guy that he was wrong.
‘no sir, we at Wasting’s are never wrong!’
‘Well, okay mr. neverwrong, but you’re charging 32 cents to much for you dolls here! What heck, I don’t even have that much money.’ And I walked
back towards my makeshift entrance and left. Before I left, I turned around, seeing that everybody was still lying on the floor, and a bunch of police cars stopped in front of the shop. They’ll get that robber, I thought. And as the cops came in I said ‘I’ll be back’ and raced away on my bike.

I walked into the bank to get some money. Looking around, to see if this place wasn’t being robbed. I always hate to be in the middle of a robbery. If there’s a robbery going on I’d rather wait outside for a few moments, pretending I’m smoking a cigarette while I’m chewing my gum. And then, when the robber gets out, hey man, that’s free money!
But I got my morals too, so I just knock the guy down, and hand him over to the police. Did that loads of times. Makes a good living. Unfortunately I didn’t see a robber this time, so I had to go in myself. As I walked into the bank I reached in my pocket to get my wallet with my banking card. I put my bag on the counter and said “here, fill’er up!”. But to my horror my hand got stuck in my pocket. Again everybody fell down on the floor, including the girls behind the counter. Man, don’t they know service any more?
“hey, can I get some service here please?” I yelled, and finally my hand got free and I pulled out my banking card. The girl behind the counter asked how much I wanted, 200 I said. She took my bag to the back and returned two minutes later.
“don’t you need to check my banking card?” I asked.
“no” she said some kind of scared and forced a smile on her face.
Right, I thought, everybody in this town is going insane. I walked outside and drove away. As I shifted into a higher gear to gain more speed I reconned that some noisy car was chasing me. I looked back. hey, a police car! cops are known to remain cool in crisis situations, maybe they’d understand me! So I stopped, they drove by and opened the window. I looked straight into a Colt .45
“Freeze!”. Oh my, even the cops are crazy!

It’s not healthy to freeze. you can suffer severe injuries from freezing! So I stepped on it and escaped through the shopping mall. Now that I got my money nothin’ could go wrong!

With skidding tires I pulled up in front of the Wasting’s department. I jumped off my bike, leaving the parking to my bike’s autopilot. I ran into the shop.
“I’m back!” I shouted. and again, everybody dropped down on the floor.
“The cops can be here any minute!” the salesperson said.
I was losing it with this guy. He was pissing me right off. I walked towards the counter, and said:
“I don’t need no cops. I need a cool talkin’ barbie d@mnit!”.
And I kicked the counter. Ow, did that ever hurt my foot!
“Eh, sorry, sir, we just ran out of cool talkin’ barbies… maybe the Wasting’s
headdepartment has some? you could try there!” he said with one of those fake salesperson smiles. I kicked again. Behind me I heard the door slam and two cops came in, their guns pointed at the salesperson.
Good, I thought, arrest him! He’s been swindling a whole bunch of people! And I walked away to give the cops a clear field of fire.
“Freeze!” they shouted to the salesperson. I looked at my watch. The shops close in three hours. If I want to get to the headdepartment I’d better be on my way! So I walked towards the emergency exit door that still hasn’t been repaired. As I stepped outside the cops started shooting. Two bullets zipped over my head.
Man, those cops nowadays! Can’t even hit a salesperson from five meters without directing bullets towards innocent people! I jumped on my bike and raced away, leaving a fair amount of rubber on the road. Somewhere behind me the cops started testing their sirens.
That’s odd, testing those in the middle of a robbery! I thought. Well, why do I bother? I was on my way to the Wasting’s Headdepartment, hoping to find a cool talkin’ barbie there.

As I moved onto the highway and shifted into a higher gear to keep up with the other traffic, I saw a Ferrari closing in fast. That’s my chance! I took the copperwire out of my pocket and attached a fishhook I found at school last week to it. When the Ferrari went by I threw the hook at the spoiler and held on to the wire. Quickly I attached the wire at my handebars as I felt the acceleration caused by the Ferrari. Now I could sit back and relax. Doing over 150 kilometers an hour I felt some wind through my hair. Oh, was
that ever relaxing!
And then, again, that irritating noise that I’ve been hearing almost all day now. Wheee Wheee WhieWhieWhie!
I turned around to see what’s happening. I saw this Ford Tempo dressed up as a copcar. I had to laugh. People who drive a Ford Tempo and pretend they’re cops are dorks. I trusted my new Ferrari buddies, and as soon as they found out about the fake cop they stepped on it. I felt a slight increase of speed. they must be doing a 170 now. I saw smoke coming from the front axle of my bike, so I spat on it, leaving a thick smokecurtain, which caused the Ford Tempo to end up in the ditch.
Lost ’em! Yeah!

For a few more minutes everything went okay. But then the Ferrari driver thought it was necessary to look in his rearview mirror. That was where I got in trouble, since I was driving my bike just two meters behind his car, and, according to the law, you need to keep a distance of at least two car lengths. So he started swinging the car. Please notice that we were doing 170 kilometers an hour, and it was already getting quite late, I wanted the guy to step on it, I just had one hour left to find the Wasting’s Headoffice, and I didn’t even know where it was. The car started swinging dangerously, endangering the other people on the road. I prepared to release the cable, just in case of an emergency. Then I saw the sign.

Or actually, I saw it to late. I released the cable, steered to the left and jumped off the bridge. With my umbrella as a parachute I landed without any problems, if I only didn’t land just in front of that big truck… It hit me, everything started turning, and the last I remember was that I fell in the ditch.

When I woke up there was someone standing in front of me.
“Sir, are you okay? sir, do I need to get help?”
“Nothanx. I don’t need help. It’s the rest of the world that’s gone crazy. But, hey, were you talking about helping me?”
“eh, yes” he replied.
“Allrighty then! can you drop me off at Wasting’s?”
“Sure,” the man said, “just jump in!”
And I jumped in the back of his buick ’74 and we stepped on it, because the shop’d be closed in 15 minutes. I had to leave my bike behind because the truck had mashed it all up. I was still a bit dizzy from the impact, as I sat back and relaxed on the huge back seat. We evaded traffic jams, went over sidewalks and down stairs. But the fine suspension of the car and the precise tuning caught every shock. First when I heard sirens again I turned back to reality.
I looked in my bag, looked at all the stuff I had in there, and took some gum out. Might need that, I thought with a smile.
They dropped me off at Wasting’s, and I jumped out of the car. A quick look at my watch. just 5 minutes left. I tried the door.

Already closed. ‘not now I’m so close!’ I said. And I fell down against the window, which, to my surprise, opened. Hey! I tried to open a window! Those stupid newtech buildings…
I walked inside, and saw that it was very busy. I’d better think of something. While I was chewing my gum I thought of something. I saw this guy at the
opposite end of the store, the one with the long brown coat and the Italian leather pimp shoes.
“He’s got a gun!” I shouted.
And it worked. everybody went down, the moment I was waiting for. I ran
towards the counter, behind which I found another salesperson on the floor. But this salesperson wasn’t just a person. She must have been no more than 17, had long blond hair, grey eyes and her left eyebrow was a little bit heavier than her right one.
“Eh… Hi…” I said.
“can I help you?” She asked.
Man, was I ever glad that I took some gum, ‘couse otherwise my breath would have been smelling like a dragon’s.
“You sure can help me. Do you have any cool talkin’ barbies?”
She was about to answer when we heard a gunshot, followed by a scream. Then a gurgling sound. I looked over the counter, and saw that the man
with the pimpshoes held a shotgun and walked towards the counter.
“Give me all your money!” he shouted.
“Hey, I was here first, buttmunch!” I shouted back.
He hit me with his gun and everything went black before my eyes.
When I woke up again, I totally didn’t know where I was. Everybody was laying down, except for this guy with the pimp shoes. He was pointing his gun at the girl behind the counter, who was putting money in a bag. I searched in my pockets and found a piece of elastic. I reached in my coat pocket and found one of the penny bombs one of my friends gave me. I aimed. I fired. I hit my target.
The pimpguy was totally blinded by the flash of the explosion, he fell down and dropped his gun.
“Sorry,” the sales girl said. “we just ran out of cool talkin’ barbies.”
What is she talking about, I thought.
I just smiled at her as I picked up the gun. The cops ran into the shop, pointing their guns at the salesperson.
Why do these guys always pick on the salespersons?, I thought.
But this could not be tolerated. These wannabe police heroes always threaten the wrong people, and I pointed the gun at the guy on the floor, saying: “that’s the guy you’re looking for!”

The pimpguy kicked the gun out of my hands and picked it up.
“Thanks, sir” one of the policegeezers said, while two others grabbed me, and someone must have hit me on the head because, again, all went black.

When I woke up, laying in the back of the police car, my memory started to come back. Yeah, was my final conclusion. Buying barbies is more dangerous than they advertise it.

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